fully alive

hey friends. i'm so glad you're here. 

it's been a while, i know. but tonight, i think i've found my words again. 

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after the messiest few months of my life, i know more than ever before what it feels like to be fully, painfully and wonderfully alive. 

the truth is, the beauty and love and pain and heartbreak that have come along with that simple yet profound truth have taken my breath away at times. the very things that have never changed for me, changed. my words, which used to be a solace, turned into something i couldn't even write without second-guessing every one of them. my heart turned from filled with butterflies to shattered on the floor.  i made mistakes, i doubted myself. i took risks and experienced some of the sweetest moments of my life, along with ones that tore at the very core of who i am. 

all along the way i would ask myself, why does this hurt so much? isn't love supposed to be simple? isn't summer supposed to be the time of my life? isn't college supposed to hold more meaning and experience and excitement than this? should i have more friends? why can't this all be easier?

and honestly, i still struggle with the weight of it all. i've cried more in the last year than any other time in my life. 

allowing yourself to feel, and i mean fully feel, what is happening in your heart is hard. it's actually excruciating sometimes. it's easy to numb it and move on from it and tell yourself you're not feeling it, but no good can come from suppressing what so desperately needs to get out. 

the people and moments i love most in this world are ones that are incredibly honest. so wonderfully authentic that every fiber of my being is in that moment, sharing it with someone who is also 100% there. and i truly believe that even the hardest of moments can be beautiful if authenticity is in the room. 

i know this life can be messy, and believe me i know it can be hard. everyone reading this is battling their own worries and struggles, and also has moments to rejoice over that nobody else has felt. 

life and love are complicated, beautiful, and wonderful. and really, we all get a choice. 

we get to choose to live it fully alive, feeling both the pain and the sweetness, or we can choose to run from it when it gets hard.

my dear friends, i hope that no matter how difficult it gets, you choose to live fully alive. 

i hope you choose to take chances, knowing that it might not work out... but just maybe it will. 

i hope you choose to love with all your heart, even with the risk of heartbreak or rejection. 

i hope you choose to see each day as a new start, because His mercies are truly new every morning. 

i hope today you feel fully, wonderfully, and beautifully alive. 

xx, gracie