growing up

i haven't sat down to write in a long time, so i'm not going to lie... this feels very weird. but a part of me just knows that this is exactly what i need to do- write and just see what comes out. this semester has been a crazy one, and i am finding myself wondering where the time has gone. how is it already november? the last few months have been full of growth and change but i've sometimes felt too busy to even stop and process it. 

when i do take a moment to stop and reflect, i find myself so proud of the ways in which i've grown and matured. just like in any other season of my life, there have been days full of genuine joy, and others which have been a battle to fight through. some situations, i know i could have handled better. others, i look back and thank Jesus that he gave me the strength to do exactly what i needed to do in the moment, even when it was extremely difficult. 

change and growth have always really scared me. i cherish people, places, and memories of my past so dearly in my heart and i have the biggest soft spot of all for the old versions of myself. i find myself just aching for the gracie i was when i was a little girl, full of personality and no doubts about myself. for the gracie i was when i sat alone at high school lunch, the gracie i was when i first fell in love, the gracie i was when i got my heart broken for the very first time. the gracie i was when i felt on top of the world, and the gracie i was when i felt all alone. i walked through all these seasons in my life (and so many more) as the same girl deep down. the one who loves Jesus and my family, the ocean and taylor swift love songs. the one who is quiet and introverted, but also with so much to say and express. 

in this season, right now, as a sophomore at riverland, i feel so much every single day. i feel empowered and capable when i'm running a meeting or giving an important presentation. i feel loved by my family when my mom makes me a lunch for the day and puts a note in it, just like when i was young, or when my sister and i sing at the top of our lungs to a justin bieber song in the car on the way to the toxic waste drop-off (long story :) i feel cherished by God when i listen to a worship song on a walk in my neighborhood. i feel excited getting to know new people and making new memories. i feel adored when someone hugs me and doesn't want to let go. 

all of these beautiful feelings, along with the heartbreakingly painful ones (that i most definitely experience as well), make up the the moments of my life. and lately, there have been a lot of really big moments. i'm trying my best to take them all in, cherish them, and work to be the very best gracie i can be in all of them. 

to put this all quite simply, i've been growing up.

and not growing up in the sense that i've got it all figured out now because i most definitely do not. i mean growing up in the sense that i have learned how to become a self-advocate, go out of my comfort zone, take time to rest and have fun amidst my busy schedule, and most importantly: i have learned not to feel ashamed of who i am and what i am passionate about. in some ways, i have become my own best friend. i have really learned that i need to be filled before i can fill up others, and that i do not need to be reliant on other people for fulfillment or joy- only Jesus can do that. 

to whoever is reading this, i hope these words resonated with you, and i hope you can recognize the ways in which you've grown this year. 

i am sure there are many, and they deserve to be celebrated. 

xx, gracie