what his words could not see

the problem with insecurities is they like to hide. they sit below the surface, waiting for something or someone to set them off. you yourself may not even know they're there. i knew mine was there, i just didn't want to admit it. i fed myself all the right literature, watched all the right videos, listened to all the right people who were telling me that what i was going through was normal, good, beautiful even. i consumed it until i told myself i believed it. but the problem was, i never did. 

deep down, i didn't accept what was happening. i told myself it was temporary, i would lose it soon. at my very core, i believed that something was wrong with me. i rarely let others on to the fact that when i looked in the mirror i was deeply sad. growing up your whole life being skinny, no one ever tells you what to do when your body changes. when your external value is no longer based in your smallness. i couldn't reconcile what was happening to me. i could not understand or accept it. and that's the foundation of why his words hurt like they did.

gaining weight was a rather sudden thing for me. it came fast, all at once. there are a million factors that explained exactly why, but none of them could console me or allow me to think it was in fact, okay. i thought it was a mistake, something bad happening to my body that would soon get fixed. what i didn't understand was that every pound i gained was another step towards healing. gone were the days i would sit at lovely dinners and be so anxious that other people were there i couldn't eat more than two bites. gone were the days my heart pounded so fast on a first date that i made myself sick and had had to take everything in a to-go box. 

i was not small because it was best for me, because i was the healthiest i had ever been. i was small because i was so anxious i couldn't be anything else. i was not listening to my body, i was controlled by my mind. 

when i finally got my mind under control, trusted God and the professionals and the medication to help me, i wasn't happy or content like i thought i would be. mentally, i finally felt a shift. the anxiety and the OCD that later came were getting smaller, day by day. i felt like i was returning to myself and finding a new me all in the same breath. but my body didn't look the same and that made me mad. it grew and stretched and left me marks and none of my clothes fit anymore. i thought, seriously??? i finally am getting better and now in a different way, i am getting worse. it's hard for me to admit i thought that way, like gaining weight was a disgusting problem that symbolized issues within me. but i did. i really had a huge problem with it, as much as i tried to convince myself and others that i did not. 

and when you're already on thin ice with yourself, anything others say can knock you off your feet. i was in such pain inside and had no compassion for myself or my body. i was vulnerable with the person i loved more than myself, and i was blamed, shamed, and made to feel like i was exactly what i had thought i was- unworthy and disgusting. my weight was a burden, a worrisome change that could not be welcomed with joy for all that it represented. i think this was the moment it all clicked for me. yes, self- acceptance and love comes from within more than anything else. but that doesn't mean you surround yourself with people who put you down just because you are strong enough to handle it. the people in your life should be your biggest cheerleaders, best of friends, and filled with a level of compassion for you that sometimes you can't even give yourself. and your chosen partner has even more of a special and unique role. they know you better than anyone else, and when you don't feel beautiful, they always and forever believe that you are. they don't just accept you and your body, they love them both unconditionally and they don't try to change them. they don't guilt you, blame you, or make you feel like something is wrong when you are growing. they don't see you getting bigger as a problem that needs to be fixed. you have to be with someone who is on your team. 

when someone you love more than yourself takes your pain and stabs you right back with it, you realize you have to accept more for yourself. and in order to do that, you need to shower yourself with love and compassion and make the hardest decision you could ever make: to let go. 

it wasn't until my life shattered into pieces losing the love i thought would be mine forever, that i saw clearly that i needed to believe my worthiness within myself. and until i did that, i was going to accept whatever anyone threw at me. 

as i sit here sipping my delicious caramel steamer (filled with fat and sugar!) and eating my rich slice of chocolate cake (carbs! calories!) i cry for the girl that didn't think she was pretty or desirable and instead thought she was gross, unworthy, and someone that desperately needed to be fixed. i am angry at the boy that thought it was okay to take my vulnerability and instead of hold me tightly in it, chose to shatter me during it. it hurts me that this is a common experience for many women. not believing they're good enough. being told they aren't good enough. 

i can tell you this from the other side. until you believe it for yourself, at the very core of who you are, you're not going to feel worthy. you can't find that feeling in people, places, or things, and especially not from a man, even if you love him. you find that in yourself, through a power much bigger than yourself. 

here's to gaining happy, healthy, beautiful weight. and here's to loving yourself and your body today and always.

xo, gracie 

photo credit (and words in the photo written by!) brianna pastor

@briannapastor on instagram